How can saying "thank you" change your life?
Earlier this year, speaker and author Nancy Kho joined us on The Femails to discuss gratitude and its encompassing effects on your life. When Kho celebrated a milestone birthday in 2016, she decided to celebrate by writing one thank-you note per week to people who had helped her get to where she was. Kho was in a great place, feeling proud and accomplished when she started her own journey of gratitude. Naturally, when life is going well is precisely when life chooses to fall "spectacularly apart".
2016 came with its own grief and struggles for Kho.
What started off as a lighthearted "thank you" turned into a very real coping mechanism in the face of grief. Eventually, it transformed into her book, The Thank-You Project: Cultivating Happiness One Letter of Gratitude at a Time.
So, how does simply saying "thank you" have life-changing abilities?
What is a Gratitude Letter?
Unlike a thank you note, a gratitude letter is a letter that captures some specifics about how someone has made your life better.
The gratitude letter is not meant to put another "to-do" on the recipient's list. It's meant to express gratitude—not for a specific thing or an item—but for the practices and characteristics that the person bestowed upon you, to improve your life. A gratitude letter is a great way to inventory your own strengths and skills and to attribute those to individuals who helped you to grow.
What Does a Gratitude Letter Do, Scientifically?
We aren't scientists here at Career Contessa, but we love when guests go all science on us, which is exactly what Kho did when explaining how gratitude letters impacted her way of thinking.
Gratitude Awakens Positive Recall Bias
When Nancy Kho set out the write one letter per week for an entire year, she wasn't exactly sure that she even knew 52 people to cover each week. Upon starting, she made a list of about 20 people. The rest, she would worry about "in June" when her primary list ran out.
When she started to write these letters, however, she was inadvertently awakening and enhancing her positive recall bias.
We all have a tendency to look for the negative with our negative recall bias. This is the thing that keeps us from getting hit by cars or falling off cliffs. However, we tend to lean more into our negative recall bias.
As Kho wrote her letters, she was enhancing her positive recall bias—and the 50 people she wasn't sure she "knew" began to come out of the woodwork. She wrote to the doctor who delivered her two children, her AP English teacher, and even people who had "negative" impacts on her life. More on that coming up soon.
The "magic moment" occurred when she realized that all of her good feelings came as she wrote the letter—it wasn't even dependant on the recipient's reaction. From there, she was able to write gratitude letters to anyone, specifically people who taught her painful lessons.
It Increases Your Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is a tough skill to master, but writing gratitude letters is a great way to start. Hear us out!
As Kho dove deeper into the project, she started writing letters that she knew she wouldn't send.
Kho describes a story wherein she began to write one gratitude letter to a friend from high school who she felt "wronged by"—who "ghosted" her upon graduation. While she crafted this specific gratitude letter, she learned something pretty important. She learned that this particular friend had been nothing but supportive. She learned that, in fact, she had been the bad friend. It was a miracle this friend had stood by her this long.
Writing gratitude letters is a great way to strengthen your self-awareness.
Gratitude in The Workplace
Research on gratitude in the workplace shows one thing across the board—it's incredibly under-utilized.
Studies have shown that leadership is exponentially more successful with a gratitude approach. It has also shown that many employees express the need and desire for gratitude, but that they don't express it themselves.
Gratitude can look differently in each workplace, according to its culture.
- A thank-you note after a project completion
- Starting meetings with sharing gratitude
- A gratitude message channel (i.e. Slack)
- A weekly "thank-you" email from leadership
Kho explains that she wishes that people would be "braver" about sharing their gratitude. Studies have shown that people vastly underestimate the impact of expressing gratitude. Additionally, people overestimate how awkward they would feel expressing gratitude. While there is a vulnerability in expressing gratitude, it's likely always going to be worth it.
Yes, You Can Have "Gratitude" for Bad Bosses and Problem Coworkers
Of course, there are always going to be people who we feel extra-ungrateful to have in our lives. No, you don't need to dig a tunnel to find something good in someone who you find to be toxic and generally problematic.
However, a bad boss or a toxic coworker does have a lot to teach you. Likely, these types of acrimonious relationships teach you about the "not to-dos" in your career and in your future relationships with coworkers.
If you're looking to flesh out some work gratitude letters, to see what you've learned from your least favorite boss, try these prompts:
- What does [PERSON] do that frustrates me?
- How does [PERSON] handle [SITUATION] and how would I navigate it differently?
- How does [PERSON] speak to others?
- How does [PERSON] communicate to their team?
We agree with Kho in that you can learn an incredible amount from the "not to-dos". Often, we find we learn more from those we find difficult to work alongside. So, ready to write that gratitude letter for your worst boss ever? You can definitely keep this letter (should you choose to write it) in your "not to send" folder.
Three Steps of Gratitude: See, Say, + Savor
See, Say and Savor are Nancy Kho's three steps to writing gratitude and (pretty automatically) cultivating happiness. Let's dive in
Step 1: See
Notice the things around you that make you happy. Think about the people that make you feel good and why. What problems do these people help you solve? if you're setting out to write weekly gratitude letters, the "see" step will come into play immediately. You'll create the list of people who make you feel good, who build you up, and who challenge you to
- How have they helped you?
- How have they shaped you?
- How have they inspired you?
- Be specific.
Step 2: Say
Even if you're not going to send these letters out, take the time to write the letter. Create a physical reminder of why these people are so important to you—we call these physical reminders confidence totems. If you are comfortable, send it. Let them know exactly how you feel and why.
Pro tip: If you're looking to professionally network, a gratitude letter sent to the right person can be key.
Step 3: Savor
Keep a copy of every letter you write—the ones you sent and the ones you keep to yourself. To hold in your hands the stack of proof that you matter to people and that people have gone out of their way to help you and to enrich your life. Take the time to appreciate the physical representation of your growth, your learning, and your accomplishments—and the love and care that inspired it all.
