"Excuse me I'm speaking. I'm speaking."
It's the phrase that resounded among women everywhere after the Vice Presidential debate in 2020.
If you're like many women, you might have yelled at your television screen. Why can't even the smartest and most accomplished women seem to finish a sentence before they're interrupted?
This isn't a one-time thing. It's not a political thing. It's an everyday thing—one that typically starts as early as preschool and continues to the board room. Men interrupt women—at sort of astounding rates. A 2014 George Washington University study found that when men spoke with women, they interrupted 33 percent more than they did when speaking with other men.
During a three-minute conversation, these men in the study interrupted their female conversation partner an average of 2.1 times. That's a lot of interrupting in the space of 180 seconds.
Why Interrupting Happens in The Workplace
Interrupting happens.
Anecdotally, I can recall many instances in which I watched former male colleagues constantly interrupt one another. The only reason I didn't get interrupted? I decided not to speak up—at all.
Women have been trained to be quiet and polite
We don't have psychology degrees here at Career Contessa, but we recently sat around to talk (and listen) about the interruption phenomenon. An easy explanation for it is that girls and boys are raised differently. Boys are told to be rough and tumble, to be loud, and to make their voices heard—to "be a man." Conversely, girls are urged to be quiet, to appear agreeable, and to keep their dresses clean on the playgrounds.
Guess what? The things you learn when you're that young stick with you—and they're formative lessons. Before you know it, you're in high school and deferring to Jeffrey's opinion on The Scarlet Letter instead of raising your own hand. Fast forward a few more years and there's another Jeffrey—this time, he's interrupting you to rephrase exactly what you just said. What's more? He gets praise and adulation for coopting your idea.
"Jeffrey, what the—"
In short, women are conditioned to be interrupted—and men are conditioned to be listened to.
In addition to the societal element—or perhaps as a result of it—there is a style of speaking known as "female register" commonly used by women. Linguists and psychologists have studied "female register" and its effect. The theory behind female register is that women use questions to modify their statements along with overly-polite language to smooth things over—especially when sharing an idea or opposition.
We're all probably pretty familiar with "female register." It's when you undermine your own research by using a qualifying statement at the end, like "If that makes any sense." It's using phrases like "May I ask?" or prefacing a sentence with "If I might add," instead of making statements. And who could blame us? Words used to describe powerful men—assertive, outspoken, confident—are actually dirty words for women in the workplace. They're also usually accompanied by the clever b-word to really color the description. Creative!
If you're using weak language or undermining your own authority, we have advice on how to strengthen your language. Aside from boosting your own self-confidence, using decisive language will improve others' perception of you. If they think you're an "outspoken bitch" that's their own problem.
It's Different For Women—It Just Is
We recently read about the magic of embracing "awkward silence"—a tool used by "intelligent minds" like Jeff Bezos, Elon Mush, and Tim Cook. The idea is great. In a world of instant gratification, can't we all just slow down and wait before saying something, before responding? Of course, we should embrace the awkward silence—when we're all white billionaire men.
There are huge advantages to the awkward silence, but can a Black woman afford to hold an awkward silence without her platform being overtaken? Probably not. In fact, Black and Latinx women often report feeling overlooked, excluded, or completely invisible in the workplace.
In fact, the 2018 Women in the Workplace survey by LeanIn.org and McKinsey found that 40 percent of Black women have had their judgment questioned in their area of expertise.
In short, they cannot afford the "awkward silence" that Elon Musk can. So what do we do?
How to Shut Interrupting Down
Well, let's start with this. Women are not "supposed to" get angry as a response to being constantly interrupted. According to a 2012 paper by Yale associate professor Victoria Brescoll, men who became "angry" at work were rewarded and seen as strong. Women who displayed anger were seen as unworthy of power, incompetent, and—yep, you guessed it—too emotional.
So, how do you shut down interrupting in the workplace without appearing "angry" or emotional?
Here are a few ways to interrupt an interrupter (or interrupters):
When you're being interrupted, it's important to try to remain level-headed. We want to emphasize that this is advice we would give across the board—to men and women alike. If you are able to remain calm and stern, your point is more likely to be heard. Here are a few ways to shut down interrupters:
- After their interruption, ask "May I finish what I was saying?"
- Keep talking. Basically, don't allow the interrupter to interrupt.
- Interrupt the interrupter. Tell them, "I wasn't finished speaking."
- Speak to the interrupter privately. Allow them an opportunity to hear your frustration with being spoken over in meetings, especially if this is a frequent occurrence.
- When interruption is an organization-wide problem, consider setting guidelines in a meeting—such as allotted speaking times. If this sounds like kindergarten, it's because it is.
- Preface what you're going to say with the opportunity for feedback afterward. For example, you might say, "I have an important point to make and I welcome your feedback once I am finished speaking."
When someone else is being interrupted
The fight is not just yours. When you witness someone else being constantly spoken over or interrupted, you can act as their advocate. This is especially important when a Woman of Color is being interrupted. A simple phrase like, "I believe Sheila has more to say," or "Was Sheila finished illustrating her point?" can do wonders to call out a chronic interrupter.
Whenever you can advocate for other women in the office, especially Women of Color, do it.
We'd also like to take this opportunity to urge you to form a women's committee in your workplace. This can be a space where you work together to empower one another. This can be a place in which you lift one another up. It's crucial, especially in "male-dominated" industries to have a connection to other women—with other women.
In Conclusion
Communication is important—and it's often at the heart of a thriving organization.
An important part of communicating is listening. If you find yourself in a meeting just waiting for a moment so that you can interrupt, ask yourself this question, "Am I really listening or am I simply waiting to speak?"
Lastly, in a world where name-calling and bullying have become commonplace, it's important to stand your ground. Interrupters, like mansplainers or gaslighters, can easily awaken your impostor syndrome.
It's important that you remember you deserve to be where you are—and your voice should be heard.
