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The break room shouting matches. The mid-meeting side-eyes. The passive-aggressive email exchanges.
When you spend eight-plus hours a day with the same coworkers, it’s only natural for personalities to clash and workplace conflict to take center stage. It’s not just normal—it can be a good thing. The occasional office fight can help us spark new ideas and correct misconceptions, as Cari Romm writes in New York Magazine.
But if you’ve ever worked in a toxic environment, you know that constant turmoil can just as quickly suck the life out of everyone and everything.
It can decrease productivity, hurt employee morale, and grow resentment among team members and third parties who aren't involved.
So, what’s the difference between healthy disagreement and soul-crushing drama? Your response.
Since you and your coworkers depend on each other to succeed at work and stay sane doing it, you can’t let tension linger. That’s how things get gossipy and rapidly become all-out dysfunctional.
When faced with a fight, you must strike a compromise that works for both of you. And if you’re battling your boss? You’ll need to be even more careful. But with open communication—and an open mind—you can keep your office fights from turning into full-on warfare.
Table of Contents
- Why Office Conflicts Happen
- If The Fight Is With Your Coworker
- How to Navigate a Fight With a Coworker
- How to Navigate a Fight With Your Boss
Why Office Conflicts Happen
It's no big surprise that workplace disagreements get the attention of everybody. It's living, breathing gossip happening in real-time.
It's human nature for your ears to perk up when there's a fight. It's also human nature to want to defend yourself when you feel you've been wronged at work. Angry employees make for some Bravo-level entertainment, but we don't need that in a professional setting, right? Of course, we're right!
Use the following tips to improve employee communications and end any disagreement on a positive note—one where, even if you don't reach a complete agreement, you have learned how to listen to another person's point of view.
This way, the next time conflict arises, you have the tools to recognize the causes of workplace conflict and reach a resolution without all the fallout.
How to Navigate a Fight With a Coworker
Cool Off
All of your mom’s advice applies here. Count to 10—or 100. And, of course, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Even if you’ve got that infuriated urge to get the last word, step back. Do something—anything—unrelated to the conflict.
But then there are times you can’t just avoid them. Your coworker is just sitting there irritating you with their every breath. What then? Try relaxation exercises—or visualize a more peaceful place—before you do or say anything that will stir it all up again. And still try to minimize contact until you’ve calmed down. If you have to email, keep it polite and concise, since you’re probably not feeling your most professional right now.
Resolve It Sooner Rather Than Later
Nobody wants to deal with the passive-aggressive emails—not you, not your team member, and not everyone else who has to tiptoe around the two of you. It's tempting to shy away until “things settle down,” but that won’t resolve the original problem. And if you don’t address it, it’s likely to pop up again—and blow up in spectacular fashion. Nobody has time for that.
So once your blood pressure’s back to normal, meet face-to-face as soon as possible. This way, you’ll settle small misunderstandings before they escalate—and shut down gossip before it starts.
You might find out that your disagreement is rooted in your different work styles. In which case, you can make a plan for how to best communicate and collaborate in the future.
Listen to the Other Person
Like, actually listen to them. When you’re nervous, of course, you’ll obsess about what you’ll say and how it’ll be received. But if you stay in your own head, you’ll miss the full meaning of what she’s saying.
Take time to listen to their side of the story without having defensive reactions. Ensure you understand everything by practicing active listening—giving them your undivided attention, listening to their body language and responding with your own, and paraphrasing or asking questions.
Most important: don’t make judgments until they're done speaking. Realize that they probably has a different perspective on the situation than you. Maybe your seemingly minor oversight caused a major inconvenience for them, or they know some information you don’t. Their perspective feels as true to them as yours does to you.
That doesn’t mean you need to completely cave—just don’t be blinded by your frustrations. Accept the possibility that there’s something you don’t know, or that your coworker had good intentions.
Make Your Case
Time to let your coworker know how you feel. Clearly outline your view of what happened and how it made you feel.
Make sure to stay away from generalizations and assumptions. Let’s say you’re fighting with someone who always interrupts you during meetings. Say something like: “You’re so rude and you don’t care about my opinion,” you’re not just insulting her—you’re telling her how she thinks and feels. Not cool and very alienating.
Who knows? Maybe she’s so stressed that she never notices you clearing your throat and raising your hand. Or maybe not. But once you make assumptions, you’ll never know.
Instead, reference specific situations and explain exactly how and why they upset you. For instance, “When you talked over me while I was presenting our new strategic plan, I felt unappreciated and disrespected.” This more objective approach gives them tangible ways to stop doing what they're doing—and tells them why it matters so much to you.
If your boss apologizes, accept it graciously and suggest ways that both of you can avoid the situation in the future. And if they don't, even when you know they're wrong, our favorite move is to repeat, “This isn’t about me,” enough times that you’re ready to move on. It’s not worth letting it affect your work.
Fess Up
Speaking of apologies—it takes two to make a thing go right, two to tango, and two to fight. That means that sometimes, it really is your fault. So own it.
Making a mistake at work is okay (we do it all the time). It’s not a big deal. Actually, it’s a learning opportunity for both of you, but only if you admit it. Apologize, lay out concrete steps for how you’ll make up for it, and explain how you’ll try to prevent it in the future.
Even if you didn’t “start it,” consider how your actions might have contributed your coworker’s negative feelings. Did you get overly harsh or personal? Did you overreact before getting all the details? Did you undermine her authority or hurt her reputation among your colleagues?
Even if you don’t understand why your coworker reacted the way she did, or you didn’t mean to upset her, acknowledge that you hurt her feelings, express remorse, and ask what you can do differently moving forward.
Prioritize—And Compromise
After you’ve each shared your views, figure out where you agree and from there, strike an arrangement that at least leaves you both somewhat satisfied with the outcome. Worst case scenario, settle on your shared commitment to your company and creating a stable work environment for your colleagues. Neither of you want to get fired, right?
Get Help If You Have To
Some personality differences and long-standing feuds don’t die easy. If the same problem keeps popping up, ask your supervisors or better yet, a representative from HR to mediate for you.
If the same problem keeps popping up, ask a representative from HR to mediate for you. Consider consulting HR when someone’s threatening to quit, the disagreement has dissolved into personal attacks, or when the conflict is impacting the business.
A seemingly small issue can turn into something pretty explosive when egos erupt between even the best of work friends.
If something seemingly small has turned into a bigger problem, you and your coworker might need some help reaching good communication.
How to Navigate a Fight With Your Boss
Proceed with caution.
Though the same basic rules of conflict resolution apply, the power imbalance between you and your boss raises the stakes for you. The chain of command can work against you in a very destructive way when there's hostility between you and your boss.
In other words, screw up, and you risk ruining your working relationship—or getting fired. Don’t be scared to speak up, but keep these extra factors in mind.
Remember that, at the end of the day. you and your boss have the same primary shared goals rooted in the company's mission, so try to refocus on that (instead of what a jerk your boss might be.)
Identify the Root Cause
What went wrong? Why? Was your fight a one-off or part of a recurring pattern of deep-seated differences? Especially if you’re butting heads often, consider whether you can continue working for her.
Sounds extreme, but your boss’ decisions dictate everything you do at work. And since she’s got seniority, she doesn’t need to compromise with you the way a coworker would. So if you can’t come to terms with them, sticking around might waste your time and sanity.
Schedule a Meeting and Present Solutions
Work it out before your unresolved tension bleeds into other projects you’ll have to complete for her. Hear her out and begin by giving her the benefit of the doubt. Apologize for anything you did either to start the fight or fan the flames. Then, describe what you’d do differently next time—these are the situations that managers remember during performance reviews and when writing references.
Yes, given the power imbalance, you might have to give her a little leeway than you would otherwise (after all, you might want to save your trump card for something more important).
That doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself—but follow up your points with workable solutions. Without realistic fixes, your concerns could sound like just another complaint, annoy her, and maybe begin another argument.
Understand the Political Climate
You’ve caught your manager violating policy and calling them out. Yikes. Ideally, she would be properly disciplined for breaking the rules. But sometimes, workplace politics protect the people on top, even when they’re wrong.
In that case, acting too aggressively could backfire on you. So before calling out your boss, decide whether or not it’s worth that risk.
Document Everything
Take notes of every interaction—the day, time, and takeaways from the conversation.
Many disagreements at work stem from lapses in communication and a lack of information or clarity around the root.
Use your best efforts to always CYA—and such conflicts can be put to bed with your readily available receipts.
Use your best efforts to always CYA—and such conflicts can be put to bed with your readily available receipts.
Hopefully, you won’t need them. But if you face formal discipline for your conflict, your written record of what happened can help you protect yourself and possibly save your job.
