Photo by Edson de Assis from Pexels
When the going gets tough, do you bury yourself in your work?
If so, you're certainly not alone.
2020 (and 2021) was a tumultuous whirlwind of a year—from a global health pandemic, the death of Kobe Bryant, Black Lives Matter protests, and so much more.
For many professional women, the world continues to be psychologically and emotionally taxing—and it will not let up.
We have had to negotiate the blending of our career and personal lives as we navigate working from home, and we have taken on more domestic labor, an ever-demanding workload, and more childrearing than ever before.
I remember scrolling through Twitter one day and being completely engrossed and emotionally overwhelmed with the state of our world.
- A global pandemic
- Pro-Trump rioters storming the Capitol
- Unrest in Afghanistan
That was all in the space of a day. How much can we be expected to take?
The Call to "Be Resilient" Is Too Much
As a Black woman, I was always told to remain unmoved and resilient in the face of adversity, and I have accepted that I am indeed the quintessential workaholic who chooses work and busyness over facing the reality of what’s really going on in the world.
I often don't have access to safe spaces where I can express grief or sadness, and so like many women of color, I suppress my feelings for the sake of my personal satisfaction and professional reputation.
I remember the day after the murder of George Floyd, I was encumbered by grief and rage, but I had no outlet to express these feelings. I buried myself in work to give off the impression that I was indeed the “strong Black woman” those around me perceived me to be.
How I Began Avoidance Coping Through Work
Workaholics are obsessed with their work performance and hooked on an adrenalin high.
We are consumed with self-aggrandizement, and once we reach one goal, we immediately set another more ambitious one. Sound familiar?
For many of us, work has been the only constant aspect of our lives recently—regardless of whatever happens in our world, there will always be work. In a world where we feel like so many events are beyond our control, we can gravitate towards things we feel we can control.
We bury ourselves in that, which gives us a feeling of accomplishment and gratification—those elements of our lives that are familiar. Work has always given me this escape. I often find myself starting work early, taking fewer breaks during the workday, and working longer hours to chase the never-ending accomplishment high.
Work has also provided a shield to avoid dealing with painful realities. I recall several months in my own personal life where I experienced familial death, sadness, or personal misfortunes—I used work to avoid being emotionally connected to or intertwined with my lived experiences.
Avoidance coping is a maladaptive form of coping in which a person changes their behavior to avoid thinking about, feeling, or doing difficult things. Avoidance coping is largely unhealthy and counterproductive—it doesn’t address the specific stressor, and it does not effectively help us manage stress.
Why Avoidance Coping Exists—And Why It Doesn't Work
As a society, we tend to think that the more emotionally removed you are from difficult situations, the better off you will be. This is not necessarily true.
Burying myself in work gave me a sense of professional accomplishment, but it left me feeling personally unfulfilled and detached from my own emotions. I didn’t give myself breaks from work; I opted for meeting deadlines over spending time with family and friends, and I appeared apathetic and aloof.
I lacked an emotional compass. I was no longer affected by sad and traumatic events. I learned how to cognitively block them out and focus on things that I perceived were important.
How to Cope + Care for Ourselves in Tumultuous Times
It’s important to acknowledge that women of color have had to sacrifice emotional release or psychological break for work and production.
We observe how white women are able to go about life being emotionally affected and given the grace and space to express their feelings, but this type of leniency is rarely afforded to women of color.
We avoidance cope because a racist system built on white supremacy constantly reminds us that we must be unwavering in our determination and work ethic. We have no other option but to succumb to capitalistic endeavors.
So how exactly can we care for ourselves during periods of turmoil? Check out the four tips below.
1. Set Unrelated Goals
As someone who is goal-oriented and thrives off checking things off my to-do list, I am most fulfilled when I am checking milestones off my list. It’s important to set goals that are unrelated to work and to prioritize your health and wellness.
Setting goals like working out, having dinner with a friend, going on a walk, or booking a therapy session provide you an opportunity to motivate yourself for non-related work tasks, and also to develop the resiliency to overcome challenging or difficult situations.
2. Develop a Routine
I have always been a creature of habit, and I feel most content when I have a consistent routine. When the world is unstable and ever-evolving, routines offer solace and reliability.
I started developing a routine that consisted of the same start and end time, and I incorporated work and fitness breaks into my daily schedule. This allowed me the opportunity to break up the monotony of work, but also provided me with a sense of control.
3. Block Out News Media
For many people of color, 2020 was extremely trauma-inducing. With the highly publicized deaths of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmad Aubrey, people of color had to constantly witness the reoccurring murders of Black and Brown people.
Viewing traumatic events online can create psychological problems reminiscent of post-traumatic stress syndrome. When so much of your lived experiences can and do resemble what you see in the popular news media, this can create increased frustration and anxiety.
Intentionally learning how to block out media is challenging. Apps like Forest are great for helping you block out social media.
4. Name Your Fears—They're Real
It wasn’t until I pursued a counseling degree that I understood the importance of naming your emotions.
We have been trained to leave our emotions at the door when we enter our workplaces. Many of us have been accustomed to suppressing a lot of our emotions.
When asked “How are you doing?” we may respnod with rote answers like “Fine,” or “Well.” We use these words to mask how we are actually feeling to avoid emotional vulnerability in the workplace.
Denying or avoiding our feelings does not make them go away, nor does it lessen the impact that our emotions have on us. Dr. Ornish of Ornish Living says, “When you take time for your feelings, you become less stressed and you can think more clearly and creatively, making it easier to find constructive solutions.”
We cannot aimlessly move throughout the world being unaffected by life events.
We must be willing to say things aloud so we can determine proactive ways for how to process them—a step towards healing.
Employers also need to lessen the stigma associated with expressing one’s emotions in the workplace. Making someone hide their feelings during world turmoil is inhumane.
Employees are not robots, and we perform better when employers honor our humanity. Providing space and time for employees to discuss world events is the first step to helping destigmatize the expression of emotions in the workplace.
In Conclusion—Take Care of Yourself (+ Those Around You When Possible)
One thing that has become apparent is that our world may continue to get more chaotic, and the less we avoid acknowledging how these events impact us, the more we decrease our capacity for dealing with these events.
We cannot continue to use work as a scapegoat for avoiding dealing with our emotions. We must be prepared to name our emotions and develop proactive solutions for restoring health and wellness in our lives.
