*Content warning: This article contains information about sexual harassment and sexual violence which may be triggering to survivors.*
My stages of grief.
- Shock: I can’t believe sexual harassment happened to me.
- Denial: I’m imagining these feelings. It’s not a big deal. It’s not impacting my career goals.
- Bargaining: It wasn’t that bad. I can just avoid a few people and keep on track.
- Depression: How can I face people now? I can’t even articulate how lonely I feel.
- Acceptance: I’m still me and the best is still yet to come.
If 2018 was the year of the #metoo movement, 2019 must be the year of our collective comeback. Surveys report that 1 in 3 women experience sexual harassment at work, but over 71 percent of incidents go unreported. With numbers like these, we’ve all been impacted. Victims.* Survivors. Advocates. Allies. Regardless, you or people you know have been impacted in ways that didn’t end once the harassment did. We know that the health impacts of sexual harassment stay with women long after the action itself. Whether it’s anxiety, depression, or no longer feeling comfortable around groups, incidents of sexual harassment hang around. Thankfully, there are resources out there to help.
But, what about the impact on our careers?
Too often speaking up about sexual harassment results in a professional setback whether it’s becoming withdrawn, missing an opportunity for advancement, or losing your job by wrongful termination or quitting (generally, to escape an unhealthy environment as quickly as you know how). So how do you stage a career comeback and get back on track?
Here are three steps I’ve taken to find my way:
First: Turn to your Inner Circle
Look, I get it. You are a person who sets goals and achieves them. You’re a badass. Experiencing sexual harassment does not feel badass. It feels isolating and embarrassing. The last thing you want to do is turn to others for help, but this is exactly what you need. Why? Because you need people to give you perspective and remind you of who you are.
You don’t have to tell people all or any of the details of your ordeal. Focus on figuring out what is next for you and who can help you get there. Send the text. Hit send on the email. Ask for what you need whether that be support, testing your pitch, or a job lead. Work is more fluid than it’s ever been with start-ups, freelancing/contracting, and new professions popping up, you’ll be surprised how many times people DON’T ask why you’re looking for a new opportunity. Start with someone close who you trust like a mentor or friend. You’ll build confidence, remember your value, and see the path forward.
Second: Refresh your goals
Real talk: You’re different now. Own it! Take the time to reflect and create a new path. Look back and ask:
- What have been my most significant professional accomplishments?
- What have been my biggest professional changes?
- Then…What must happen for me to feel more/less/differently than I do now?
Asking yourself these questions begin to get at the heart of what you care about and where you’re trying to go. Don’t stop there. What would it mean to get to the next level? Specifically? You’ll likely need to make new actions and even create some personal key performance indicators (KPIs) to check in on yourself.
Perhaps you want to get a promotion. What would that take? Being more engaged or taking on a new project. Perhaps it means getting face time with the right people. Your KPI could be “Engaged Work Days,” defined as 1) first thing in the morning, making a plan about what must be accomplished that day; 2) making time to connect with a colleague in a substantive way, and 3) at the end of the day, taking stock of how you added value to your team or company. Then your goal would be X amount of Engaged Work Days by the end of the year.
Yes, these are small steps. Like anything worthwhile, this comeback will require small disciplined actions and then the wins will come. Keep Going!
Third: Be Patient
I’d love to tell you this process will be quick. It won’t. I’d love to tell you a new job or a vacation or yoga will be a silver bullet to you feeling like your best self. It won’t.
Unfortunately, sexual harassment and its aftereffects leave a wake via financial stress, job or career loss, and mental health setbacks. You’ve been through something real—so be real about how long your comeback may take. I’d recommend focusing on two areas: letting go and self care.
Learning to let go is a process! (Helped along by Keisha’s Learn to Let Go.) You may go through the stages of grief...several times. It’s hard to let go of what you thought your life would be like at this stage. Here’s the thing, it’s like Deepak Chopra says, “in the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.” You’ll find the badass you’re becoming...and with self-care and self-love, you’ll find your way forward.
Activist and black feminist warrior Audre Lorde wrote, "caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare." I’d take it a step further and say it’s an act of warfare against sexual harassment. Taking care of yourself acknowledges that you matter. Self-care and self-love fight against the objectification and minimization that coexists with sexual harassment. I’m sure you’re asking, what should it look like? Only you know. Only you can listen to your body and heart and take deliberate actions and attitudes that help you recharge and become whole, both personally and professionally. If you need some ideas, here’s a resource on How to Embrace Self-Love at Work.
However you go about taking care of yourself on this journey, know this isn’t about getting to the other side of this experience. This is about redefining who you are with these battle scars and kick-starting your career and confidence.
SPOILER: the redefined you is strong and still a badass.
A Note for Allies: You matter. Your power allows others to move forward. You can help build safe spaces for everyone. Here’s a great place to find specific resources on the role of an ally.
* For those of you currently experiencing sexual harassment in the workplace. First, I’m sorry. Second, it’s not okay and it’s illegal. Here are some resources to help.
