Photo by Victoria Heath on Unsplash
You know the email I'm talking about when you see the preview text.
The email is rude, inappropriate, and downright mean. What do you do when you receive a rude email? Respond professionally—or don't respond at all. Don't create space to receive more rude emails. Don't apologize when you are not wrong. Don't allow this person to believe they can treat you with disrespect.
It probably comes as no surprise that rude emails can damage our mental health. According to a study by a University of Illinois Chicago researcher, rude emails caused trouble sleeping, reduced productivity, and negative emotions first thing in the morning.
I got some good advice from my mom, but don't tell her I told you so. When I was learning to drive, she instructed me to smile and wave when someone extended a "Jersey salute" to me. Instead of letting the aggressive gesture throw me off, it was a way of saying, "I'm out here learning, and I'm not letting you affect me or shake my confidence."
As I learned to drive across the river from The Garden State in Yonkers, New York, I received quite a few enthusiastic Jersey salutes.
It's this energy that I tried to take into my life. If someone is overly rude to you, you can't take it on. What I mean is this: it likely has nothing to do with you. Even if you made a mistake or forgot a detail, it's never professional for someone to flame you in an email.
So, what do you do when someone sends you the electronic version of the "Jersey Salute?" Well, you send them an electronic version of a big smile and a wave!
It will drive them wild. Here's how.
Table of Contents
- Step 1: Take Time to Leave Your Desk + Relax
- Step 2: Assess Your Feelings + Read Again for Tone
- Step 3: Gather Your Receipts
- Step 4: Keep Your Tone Professional + Solutions-Based
- Step 5: BCC: Someone On Your Reply
- Step 6: Create Your Own Rage-Filled Response in Your Head or on Paper (at Home!)
- Step 7: If the Email is Really Bad, Don’t Reply—Do This
Step 1: Take Time to Leave Your Desk + Relax
An angry email might feel like an emergency.
If it’s a big, costly mistake, it might be emergency-adjacent, but it’s crucial to not reply in kind—especially if the email is extremely rude.
Whatever the situation is, it’s jarring to receive an email that is rude, even if you could argue that it’s justified. It’s the kind of thing that can set off serious anxiety. A normal reaction is to want to reply ASAP and get it to go away.
Take a minute to breathe. It’s an email, not a phone call, so you have a minute. Right? Research has shown that psychologically detaching from ride emails, even for a few moments, can help the recipient to alleviate some pressure.
Step 2: Assess Your Feelings + Read Again for Tone
Okay, you took a walk around the block and thought it through.
Congratulations, you completed the toughest step.
Next, open the email again and give it a read-through. Some emails are laced with expletives and accusations. In those emails, it’s pretty easy to read the tone—ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S WRITTEN IN CAPS LOCK, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN???!!!
If it reads as slightly rude, passive-aggressive, or accusatory, but you’re not exactly sure, read it through again. If you’re still not 100 percent sure, let someone else give it a read. Don’t turn this into a gossip opportunity—especially if the email came from “inside the house”—but do get a second opinion if you’re not sure.
Sometimes, it’s difficult to read email tone, which can make filler words like “actually” seem biting.
If the tone is overly passive-aggressive, you’re sort of in luck! You can reply in a straightforward and professional manner.
Step 3: Gather Your Receipts
Sometimes you’re getting a rude email that’s 100 percent out of the blue and completely inappropriate. Other times, you may have forgotten something or messed up. If you’re receiving the latter email, it’s still not an excuse for rude emails.
If this angry email is unfounded and you have the receipts (ie. proof that they are wrong) consider sending them along. Personally, I have a three-strike rule before I will send a screenshot of a prior email.
However, if the emailer is volleying accusations and you need to send the receipts, send them. If you've ever seen a Bravo Housewives reunion, you already know the value of a good receipt.
Step 4: Keep Your Tone Professional + Solutions-Based
Have you ever watched a hospitality professional or a flight attendant diffuse a situation? They are incredible heroes and it’s something to behold.
Take some of that energy into your email. Don’t meet the sender at their level. If they are using language that's way past inflammatory, you might consider skipping to step seven on this list.
Always keep your emails professional. It's the digital equivalent of responding with a smile and a wave when someone is extending their middle finger toward you.
Don't meet them there.
Step 5: BCC: Someone On Your Reply
This is where you’re going to CYA (cover your ass) to make sure you have someone watching what happens next from your end.
When you reply, BCC this trusted individual so that they’re in the loop. It might be your manager, a coworker, or someone else involved with what the email is addressing.
Step 6: Create Your Rage-Filled Response in Your Head or on Paper (at Home!)
This step is sort of a joke, but if you need to clear your head, then go for it.
I want you to do it safely, though.
- DO NOT draft an email in your inbox “as a joke” because that is how workplace horror stories start.
- DO NOT talk about this email at work or forward it to anybody with the intention of gossip.
If you need to create the literary smackdown you’d like to send—the one you know you can't send because you are a consummate professional—try creating it in your head.
If you’re still steaming once you get home, write it down.
It can be therapeutic. You might even laugh and let go a little bit
Step 7: If the Email is Really Bad, Don’t Reply—Do This
If the email is absolutely unhinged, you might not have to reply at all.
If the email contains a personal attack or something too inflammatory to take, print it. In fact, print two or three copies and make sure to keep one for yourself. Take a copy to Human Resources, your boss, or someone who can help.
Name-calling, expletives, and personal attacks have no place at work—none. You are not “paid” to take abuse—no matter where it’s coming from.
