The Real Cost of Oversharing With Your Boss

We get it—you want to have a personal connection with your boss. I mean, you practically spend more time with her than with your significant other, and communal lunch would be pretty miserable without a few "What did you do last weekend?" stories thrown in there. But how much should your boss know about the ins and outs of your life?

I experienced this in my first job. I reported to two supervisors in a boring corporate office and they both made it clear that they weren't interested in how I spent my free time. They also never shared about their free time. When you walked in on Monday morning, there was no “How was your weekend?” and when you left on a Friday, you didn't bother asking about the weekend. It was less "bring your whole self to work" and more "just bring your work skills to work."

Next, I worked at a progressive start-up. We talked about the power of mentors, had a wellness budget, had team bonding events, and one of my coworkers was even a bridesmaid in my wedding—talk about a long-lasting work friendship.

Every quarter, the company hosted off-sites where we did bonding exercises including learning about our Myers-Briggs types before we celebrated the success of the company in a college-party setting. Not only did I enjoy the company more, but I was more motivated to work hard. I felt supported by my team, and those strong relationships are still in my life today.

Can You Mix Your Personal Life Into Your Work? 

Mixing your personal and professional lives had grown in popularity even before Covid-19. Popular TED Talks, Harvard Business Review articles, books, and even social media accounts promote the benefits of "bring your full humanity to work" or bringing our authentic selves to work.

And what's not to love? Building a work environment where people can show vulnerability, ask their bosses for what they need, and safely express themselves would of course create a happier group of employees. These utopian workplaces never include absentee bosses, toxic workplaces, and commutes that impact your health.

Covid-19 pushed all of this to new limits when many of us started to work from home and our teams and bosses literally saw the background of our living situations via Zoom meetings. They met your pets, kids, spouse, and saw you in things outside of your usual business casual. Online therapy even became a company perk that employees asked for because there were more open conversations around anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions that impacted more than just a person's private life.

For many of us, normalizing this blending of work and personal life has felt natural. Sharing intimate and vulnerable information can build trust, strengthen relationships, and make you feel more comfortable asking for what you need, such as more guidance on projects or flexibility because your child care fell through. 

However, even with this expanding view of what's appropriate to share at work, transparency with higher-ups and direct reports can backfire. Asking for a mental health day vs. a sick day could bring on more questions or concerns about your ability to get work done. Letting your boss know you're at a hair appointment so you can't join that just-scheduled meeting doesn't look great.

Knowing the difference between under-sharing vs. oversharing is definitely more of an art than science. We've found it's best to consider or follow some basic tenets of navigating the formal/informal divide.

Disadvantages of Oversharing at Work

Whether you call it oversharing or workplace TMI (too much information), the side effects may include extreme awkwardness and dwindling respect. That's because we have these general "rules" of what's acceptable to share at work—and when a person goes too far and shares something too personal or something that makes you uncomfortable, boundaries get crossed.

In addition to crossing the boundaries of your coworkers, sharing too much information can also take the focus away from your great work and instead put the focus on your personal life. Your personal life details could cast you in a negative light with coworkers and make you seem irresponsible, reckless, or insecure. And their opinions about your actions may cloud how people at work view you, your decisions, and your work.

For example, if you come in late on Monday morning after you overshared about how much you love to party, people might assume your story about hitting traffic is a lie and that it's more likely you were out partying the night before. Oversharing can take away your credibility, and it can be hard to get it back. 

Ultimately, oversharing can bring more risk than reward. It's important to keep in mind your audience and environment because there’s a good and bad kind of sharing. We'll dive more into the specifics around good and bad oversharing soon.

Why People Overshare

People will often share too much information because of a bigger underlying reason related to their own lives. Psychology Today says it’s often an attempt to fast-track a relationship. You’re hoping to let people in, establish yourself as an open and honest person, and create a bond.

For example, perhaps your boss starts sharing their health information as a way to bond with you or because they are trying to learn why you're taking so many sick days. Maybe a coworker shares too much about their relationship because they feel insecure about it and are looking for some advice from a person who has a more "stable" relationship.

It comes down to this: people usually share too much information with the best intentions. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean the outcomes can't be negative.

Good Sharing vs. Bad Oversharing With Your Boss

It's no secret that employees who have a strong sense of community and build strong work relationships are more engaged, happy, and less likely to leave a company. For these reasons alone, we can argue that it's important to form a connection with your team, and that includes sharing some details of your personal life.

The goal is to make sure you filter what you share so you're not hurting your work reputation. Our best advice is to stick to sharing positive things about you. Let's explain what "good" sharing looks like.

Good Oversharing

Good or positive sharing doesn't mean you can't be authentic or human. It doesn't mean you can't share when you're having a bad day or need a break. It simply means knowing or putting some limits in place. One type of "good" oversharing is providing enough context to help your coworkers better understand.

For example, I had a coworker who was going through some really hard health issues in her family. She shared this with me and gave me a "heads up" that because of this situation, she would be taking some more personal time to help out. This is the type of good sharing where you're sharing enough context about your personal life but you're not going into deep detail about the health issues. Less is more in many of these situations.

Another example might be showing up to work being very sleep-deprived and your boss asking about a report that you accidentally left at home. Instead of just admitting it's at home, you share that you forgot it because your car wouldn't start this morning and while you called AAA to come to jumpstart it, it threw off your morning routine. That’s something that is personal, but it’s also helping reframe something in a way that preserves your reputation.

The next type of "good" oversharing is sharing stories that showcase positive qualities or reinforce your positive attributes.

Let's say you're a project manager sharing your travel plans with your boss. You share that you've been planning an international trip for six months which will include a variety of activities and you've figured out how to use credit card points to pay for a bulk of the flights and hotels. 
Does that have anything to do with work? Of course not. But you're sharing something that’s still really ambitious and financially smart.

Those are two great qualities to have and they are especially useful in your role as a project manager. So, you're letting your boss into something that is important to you which forms a connection but also showcases some great organizational and budget skills.

Bad Oversharing

Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this. The safest advice is to follow your boss's lead and to filter what you share by asking yourself if what you're sharing showcase your human side or showcases you as a problem/something to be concerned about. 

For example, maybe your boss has a huge interest in yoga so you feel comfortable sharing that you're taking an afternoon yoga class today during your lunch hour. Or maybe your boss shared in the team meeting that she was up all night with a crying baby, which makes you comfortable to share that you're also struggling with sleep training your daughter.

The deciding factor of what you share, who you share it with, and how you share it will always be situational and something to pay attention to. However, there are a few boundaries that are almost always "good" sharing and some that will almost always not be worth the "bad" sharing reputation. Let's review some of each!

Do Share With Your Boss... 

The following are safe areas to approach, in regards to your personal life, with your boss. After all, we are all humans—and our job titles don't diminish that. For example, if you are having a 1:1 meeting with your boss and you notice a book you've read on their bookshelf, engage in a conversation about that. If your work might be suffering due to a family illness or the death of a loved one, share that with your boss.

Here's what we're calling "safe for work" when it comes to sharing with your boss (and your coworkers) in the office. 

Your Interests or Hobbies

These are the things that make you unique and bring diversity into your workplace. That being said, hold off on explaining what a great workout pole dancing is or how much you enjoyed 50 Shades of Grey until you get a better feel for your boss. 

General information about your family, pets, or relationship can also be shared, especially when prompted by your boss. Your boss might be curious to know where your parents raised you, how long you have been married, or what type of dog food you most recommend. The key thing here is to offer general information and wait for your boss to probe further.

Your Aspirations and Goals

When you're feeling excited or motivated by your work, share that! Let your boss know—whether in person, over lunch, or via email—how your work inspires and excites you, as well as any ideas you might have to add to projects. By opening this line of positive communication with your manager, you're also opening a channel in which to communicate new ideas, latch onto new projects, and share your opinion on organizational matters. 

The Serious Stuff That Will Affect Your Work

If your grandfather’s illness, a death in the family, or your teenager’s rebellious phase are keeping you from focusing on your work, then you need to speak up. You will only be doing a disservice to your boss, your company, and yourself if you don’t ask for help when you need it.

When you are ready, be sure to schedule time with your boss and avoid word-vomiting personal problems by coming prepared with a few helpful solutions. Maybe it is time to cash in on some PTO, try a stint of working from home, or see if another colleague would be better suited to take on some of your workload.

The serious stuff that will affect your work is a must-share.

Do NOT Share With Your Boss... 

The Details of Your Partying

One thing your boss doesn’t need to know about is your weekend of partying. Keep those details to yourself. Here is a good gauge: if you wouldn’t tell your mother-in-law about it, don’t tell your boss either.

Your Side Hustle

Most bosses don't want to know what you're spending your time and energy working on a side hustle. Especially if the side hustle is using your work skills or it's clear that you're building that business up so you can quit. 

Office Gossip or Hearsay

Office gossip about your coworkers does not need to go from your lips to your boss’ ears. If you have something that needs to be discussed or addressed with your boss, then make a clear statement during an appropriate time. When "gossip" about your coworkers veers into territory that is dangerous for the individual or for the organization, you may contact HR or schedule a formal meeting to discuss. 

Your Politics or Religion—Personal or Otherwise

Unless you work within these sectors, your religious or political preference does not need to be established at the workplace. 

Although you may be reading this thinking, “Why should I shy away from sharing my political philosophies, my everyday, real-life problems, or my religious preference?” Please keep in mind that you are laying the foundation for a professional relationship, not a personal friendship.

In the end, follow your boss’ lead. She will make it clear how personal and open you should be. Start with the small stuff and the layers will peel away with time.  

We'd also be remiss if we didn't mention that religion does come up, sometimes. If your religion requires specific holidays or time off, of course share that with your boss and your team. 

Your Living Situation

Although Covid-19 might have made this a moot point, if given the option to share details about your living situation, hold off. We as humans all have unconscious biases and when you share that you're living at home, maybe your boss will feel like you don't need that big raise you just asked for.

Sometimes it's best to keep your living situation vague till you get to know your manager and coworkers better.

Your Family Planning or Pregnancy Status Right Away

We are really torn about adding this to the list, but after someone on our team lost out on an opportunity because she was pregnant, we had to at least include it as a cautionary story. This person shared with a client that she was pregnant, and even though the proposal was agreed upon and ready to go, the client became worried about her "commitment" to completing the project. 

Of course, the client was "smart" enough not to tell her it was because she was pregnant. However, she said after she told them her news, they asked a lot of follow-up questions about her maternity leave and availability. 

So, we're sharing this story to say: It's probably best not to share your family planning schedule or pregnancy news right away. Too many biases by too many people can impact your career.

Now, the obvious part of this advice is that at some point you do need to share, and we encourage you to do so when you feel comfortable, secure, and once you've had a career conversation with your boss prior. The career conversation can just ensure you're on the same page about goals and priorities, and you can communicate what you want without your news clouding your boss' views on your career trajectory.

Your Personal Finances

Everyone's financial situation is different. Did you graduate with tons of student loan debt? Did your spouse just get a huge raise? Are you about to inherit millions?

Sharing too much about your personal finances can make the salary negotiation waters murky in the future. You also might be in a more fortunate position than others, which breeds resentment and could keep you from advancing because you "don't need it" as much as someone else. Or worse, they think it was your connections that helped you become successful vs. your work ethic.

Run-of-the-Mill Drama

We know, we know. When your partner or your roommate really pisses you off, you want to vent.

No one appreciates drama at work, so leave petty problems with your partner, parents, or roommate at home. You are here to complete your work and maintain a positive attitude, so check the he-said-she-said drama at the door. If you absolutely need to vent (and we all do sometimes), confide in your trusted work wife or dedicated confidante. 

Personal Information Like...

Relationship drama, mental health issues, invisible illnesses, sexual orientation, or other things your boss could discriminate against you.

Having said this, we want to reiterate that all forms of discrimination and harassment are illegal. It’s also despicable and certainly not anything we condone. Can your boss not promote you because you have a rocky relationship with an on-again-off-again boyfriend? Legally, no.

In an ideal and secure world, we would be evaluated solely on our performance and productivity on the job. However, in our experience of dealing with people and their conscious and/or unconscious biases—it happens. Employers may still make decisions based upon details of an employee’s life. And unless you can legally prove the discrimination, it often goes untouched.  

The good news is that every workplace is different and bosses will vary. There are good bosses who value their team members for their work and do not judge their personal lives. But if you’re not that lucky, you may wish to keep the following details about your life private if you want to maximize your success.

Tips to Prevent From Sharing Too Much Information

When you're sharing too much it can feel like you're a leaky pipe—you just keep sharing no matter how big of a mess you're making. Ideally, you want to find a happy medium between being too tight lipped that you never share and leaking your personal information all over the place.

Here are some things you can ask yourself to prevent yourself from oversharing:

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, then stop. You can't expect your boss to cross their own personal boundaries or assume they will or can meet you at your emotions.

How to Recover from Oversharing

The best way to recover from oversharing is through your behavior. When you make a mistake, it can backfire to try to explain and look like you're making excuses. Your best bet is to own your mistake, explain what you learned from it, and then change your behavior moving forward. Here are a few phrases you can try: