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Is mirroring the key to better communication?
Mirroring, also known as reflection, is a verbal and non-verbal sign of connection that can be a powerful communication tool that helps with expressing empathy and engagement, when done right. (When done wrong, though, it’s just downright creepy.)
Mirroring is one of those things that we all do unconsciously in certain situations, but when you stop to think about it, it can start to feel a little awkward.
Research shows, however, that subtle and natural mirroring can be a hugely effective way to show you’re listening and engaged, improving communication and deepening your connection with whoever you’re talking to.
What Is Mirroring?
Have you ever been deep in conversation with someone and suddenly caught yourself copying their body language, tone, phrasing—or even their accent?
Perhaps you realize that you’ve also crossed your legs and leaned forward with your hands clasped like them. Or perhaps you find your humor becoming more sarcastic and pace of talking a little faster to fit with theirs.
This is called mirroring, and it’s a very natural behavior. It's most likely programmed into us as an evolutionary quirk designed to help us fit in with a group and put each other at ease.
Studies show that mirroring can build trust and deepen interpersonal bonds, not only when it happens naturally in our personal and social relationships, but also when people consciously use it in negotiations.
According to The Wall Street Journal, a 2008 study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that mirroring someone’s posture and speech could increase the likelihood of a positive outcome of negotiation by 54.5 percent.
While mirroring can certainly be misused as part of a sleazy and manipulative sales tactic, there is another way to look at it: as a simple courtesy to others. It's a way to put someone at ease and to demonstrate that we’re empathizing and listening to their needs.
Let’s say you work in a store and someone approaches you for help.
How much more well-served would they feel if you paid attention to the pace and tone of their question, and moderated your own pace and tone to reflect theirs to whatever extent feels natural, rather than just ignoring all their verbal and non-verbal cues?
For example, they may be in a rush, and speaking fast—this doesn’t mean you have to rush, of course, but it would be infuriating for your customer if you continued to speak super slowly and acted as if you have all the time in the world.
If you’re still feeling like mirroring might be a bit awkward and unnatural, think about how it happens all the time in personal relationships and social situations—without us even realizing it.
For example, you and your friends may find yourselves using similar phrases, quoting the same movies, and adopting similar postures when you’re talking to each other.
All of this is just part of feeling like you belong together, and a sign of your mutual trust and compatibility.
How to Use Mirroring to Communicate Effectively
So, how can mirroring help us communicate more effectively at work?
One of the most important things to remember about mirroring as a communication tool is that it needs to feel natural, so it’s important to be subtle if you choose to use it in a more conscious way.
Verbal Mirroring
Verbal mirroring means any kind of mirroring of tone, pace, pitch, volume, phrasing, or inflection in your speech.
When you speed up or slow down how fast you talk, or adjust your voice’s volume to more closely match the speed and volume of whoever you’re talking to, you’re engaging in verbal mirroring.
Body Language Mirroring
Body language mirroring means any non-verbal ways that you communicate, including posture, stance, hand gestures, and facial expressions.
This could be as simple as taking your cue from the body language of whoever you’re in a meeting with, whether they’re using more formal body language (upright posture, hands clasped in front of them, etc.), or casual body language (leaning back, legs crossed, using their hands to gesticulate as they talk, etc.).
You most likely use both verbal and non-verbal mirroring unconsciously, depending on the situation.
Increasing your awareness of how we use our bodies and voices to express our moods, preferences, and boundaries will make interacting with you more of a pleasure for anyone you come into contact with.
Emotional Mirroring
Ultimately, mirroring is just another way that we can show that we’re listening and is an important part of active and empathetic listening.
Emotional mirroring is about tuning in to the emotional state of whoever we’re communicating with and reflecting that back to a certain extent. This doesn't mean absorbing their mood or becoming angry if they’re angry; rather, it means acknowledging their emotional state and adjusting your demeanor in some way to account for it.
When I’m telling my seven-year-old something serious, with a firm tone while trying to make eye contact, and she’s bouncing around giggling and not making eye contact, I often tell her that I can’t tell if she’s listening to me or not, because her behavior isn’t showing that she is.
Using mirroring when we communicate with each other is basically just the grown-up version of that.
It starts with an awareness of the other person’s feelings, message, and mood, followed by an effort to show we’re listening and hear them.
Positive Examples of Mirroring:
- Adjusting the volume of your voice to match that of the person you’re talking to (so, not raising your voice if they’re speaking quietly) can help put someone at ease and demonstrate (subconsciously) that you’re being considerate of their needs, as we often have our own personal volume comfort zones.
- Considering someone’s facial expressions and adjusting our own accordingly—not mimicking someone’s expression, but making a sympathetic expression instead of grinning if they’re sad, or reflecting back a warm smile if they’re smiling at you, for example—can show you’re aware of someone’s mood and listening attentively.
- Waiting until someone has finished talking, and then paraphrasing or summarizing what they’ve said to make sure you’ve understood correctly can help to show you’ve truly heard and taken on board what they’re trying to communicate. This kind of verbal mirroring is an important part of active listening.
Negative Examples of Mirroring:
- Overdoing any form of mirroring, whether that’s copying a gesture or verbal tick that’s unique to someone, or repeating their words back at them in an unnatural way, will come across as inauthentic, irritating, and will make people feel self-conscious—they might even think you’re making fun of them.
- Mirroring negative body language like crossing your arms, sighing, or rolling your eyes can increase the potential for conflict; remember to let your own values guide you and to be your own person in any interaction. Mirroring isn’t about mimicking whatever you see someone else doing and losing a sense of your individuality or autonomy; it’s about being aware of your surroundings and sensitive to the needs of others.
- Overthinking mirroring and paying more attention to the outward appearance or little details of someone’s body language and voice rather than actually taking in the substance of what they’re saying is clearly missing the point of using mirroring as a tool for effective communication. If in doubt, just forget mirroring and focus on listening well and empathizing with what someone’s saying.
Using Mirroring in Meetings
Mirroring generally works best as a communication tool in one-to-one settings because you can’t mirror a whole group at the same time.
However, verbal mirroring in particular still plays an important role in group settings.
You can use the approach of occasionally mirroring or reflecting back what someone has said to summarize and help focus the content of the discussion.
This not only helps people to feel seen and heard, but also helps to make sure everyone present truly understands what’s being said. It can help keep everyone on topic, and it can encourage someone to develop their thoughts further and share more.
Just make sure that when you do this, you give full credit and context to whatever it is that you repeat, so that you don’t accidentally pass off what someone else said as your own point. Aim to amplify rather than exploit someone’s voice; for example, you might say “Lara, that was a really good point—if I understand correctly, you’re saying….”
Using Mirroring in Interviews
We all convey our expectations and preferences in a subtle (and usually unconscious) way through our body language, choice of words, and tone. When you’re in an interview (or any other situation where it’s important to convey respect and attentiveness), it’s particularly helpful to be aware of any unspoken messages that are being communicated.
As we’ve explored before, your body language can communicate a lot in an interview, and your interviewers may well draw some important conclusions about your level of confidence and competence based on what you communicate non-verbally.
Beyond avoiding nervous gestures like fiddling, frequently touching your hair or face, and slouching, subtly mirroring your interviewer’s posture can help to communicate that you’ll fit in with their company culture.
Say they lean in as they talk, expressing excitement or interest in an idea. You may want to echo this by leaning in yourself to show you’re engaged with the direction of the conversation.
Obviously, don’t overdo it, but remember it’s all about following their non-verbal cues in the way that feels most natural.
In any interview situation, whether you’re the one conducting the interview or being interviewed, mirroring can be a helpful way to put the person you’re talking to at ease. This helps both of you to be your best selves, giving you a chance to bond and find common ground.
Using Mirroring to Answer Tough Questions
There’s another situation where mirroring can come in very helpful at work, which is when you’re presented with a tough question.
Mirroring can be used to encourage someone to give you more context or detail. It can also be a way to clarify what they want to know and help you provide a better answer.
For example, mirroring questions is a technique often used in therapeutic settings. But questions like, "It sounds like that made you feel angry. Is that true?" can also be used in work settings to increase clarity and diffuse tension.
An example of a mirror question used in response to a tough question at work might be something like, “That’s a good question. Would you be able to clarify which benchmark goals you’re referring to in particular?”
Mirror questions can acknowledge you’ve heard someone while encouraging them to share more, reducing the likelihood that you’ll misinterpret what they asked. It can also buy you some more time to think through what you want to say and help you to give a more considered response.
And, you don’t always have to frame your mirroring in a question form when handling a tough question, either. Instead, you might simply want to affirm you’re listening and doing your best to answer by mirroring back what they’ve said for clarification.
Whatever the context, mirroring is a communication skill that will come more naturally to some than others.
If you’d like to improve your mirroring skills, remember to start with empathy, go gently, and always keep it natural. Mirroring, when done well, is all about showing that you’re listening and that you care about the person you’re communicating with.
Like any form of conversation, it can’t be forced or faked, but a little awareness and practice can help us become more skilled at sparking connections with others.
